Touch

The very thought of it can turn you on in an instant and repel you in another.

Is it possible that, she will never want any man to ever touch her again?

It’s like when you have your favourite dessert and you don’t want to have anything else after that.

The thought of someone else even uttering sweet nothings, getting intimate is such a turn off. It makes her angry. Like how dare you even think of behaving like we are together.  Albeit, it is an extremely strong reaction and the intensity can really baffle the one making a move. One that surprises and scares her at the same time. She freezes and has feeling of being stuck in sinking sand. She doesn’t know to react in the moment.

Of course she has enjoyed flirting and on several occasions, even initiated and teased, when in the mood. But, it has been a long time since she has been remotely interested in the entire dating life cycle. It’s like a door locked and the key is thrown away into the ocean.

She isn’t craving or longing for the past. But, she cannot deny the connect they had. It was electric and, it feels like he is branded on her skin. Like a an ancient binding ritual. One that she feels like she is going to cheat on, if she even contemplates the idea of being with someone else.

What flummoxes her is that, she has walked away from it and now, she cannot move on from it. She closes her eyes and all she can think of is being in his arms. Resting her chin on his bare chest, after the most beautiful love making session. Looking into his eyes and forgetting the rest of the world.

Two pieces of a puzzle that fit into each other perfectly,  after looking for each other for several lifetimes.

She cannot be with anyone else intimately. Not in the way they were. Not the way they made love. No journey can match the silent trips they took together in other realms. She knows that in her bones. It will be meaningless with anyone else. Just pure lust. Fulfilling the bodies’ desires.

What about the soul? Doesn’t it seek a mate? One who just gets you?

This doesn’t come from a place of not wanting to get in the water, because she is afraid of drowning. It stems from the feeling of being satiated and not wanting to swim in any other waters. On an emotional, spiritual and physical plane, synchronicity playing a huge part in it. Her body rejects the very idea of being in another water body.

Is this another stage of healing? Is this a phase? It sounds more like she is taking a 1000 steps backward.

She is a brooder and all this talk, this psychobabble is only going to suck her further into the black hole. The one she is trying very hard to get out of.

Is it possible to forge a such a deep bond with someone that she has been with for just 15 months? The time that they have spent apart is much longer  than the time spent together. There were times when they were one soul, one heart beating. The lovemaking was divine and blessed. The conversations were unspoken. It really felt like they were just destined to be with each other and the only thing that kept them apart was the juggling the earthly materialistic elements.

When their hearts spoke, they sang the song of life and love. When their heads debated, they ravaged each other apart.

Will she be able to replace the experience? Any experience with a human is replaceable. It’s the unique DNA of every relationship that makes it so heartbreakingly beautiful.

Will she ever feel again? The tingling passion, the butterflies in the stomach, the audacious flirting, the awe of serendipity. Only time will tell.

Till then, one has to have faith in the universe and believe that it will  touch your life in ways you didn’t even imagine.